George Goes Galactic

For years, we were all hopelessly resigned to the impossibility of ever reading a Scotsman article, on any topic under the sun, without at some point being treated to the all-important views of "senior Labour MSP George Foulkes". Even so, it was still a bit of a shock to the system to randomly stumble upon his name in an article on the science news website Sci-Flare -

"Last year, renowned Finnish linguist Dr. Tuija Laatikainen was commissioned by the European Space Agency to make recordings of human voices, with a view to broadcasting them from a deep space probe that is due to be launched from French Guiana in June. Her somewhat improbable brief? To carefully select the voice patterns most likely to reach out successfully to intelligent alien life-forms, wherever in the galaxy they may be hiding.

"I quickly decided to concentrate on native English speakers," reveals Laatikainen, "and to save time I confined my search to the UK. I also realised that another short-cut would be to scour the media for celebrities and public figures with the right kind of voice and then approach them directly, rather than going on an aimless fishing expedition by placing adverts for volunteers."

But how did Laatikainen know which voice is the 'right' voice? Who is to say which celebrity's dulcet tones are most likely to prove seductive to a little green Martian?

"You're right," she laughs. "This is basically a matter of intuition and guesswork. What I was looking for was a voice with an air of warmth and musicality, and yet with a buried hint of menace, and perhaps even cruelty. We don't want a potentially hostile species to think that humanity is a complete pushover, do we?"

And those criteria ensured that, even though Laatikainen was looking for her ideal voices in the land of Shakespeare, she settled upon some unlikely candidates - Stuart Hall, the former host of a trashy TV game show called It's a Knockout, Terry Christian, former host of controversial 'youth' show The Word, and Lord George Foulkes, a former lawmaker from Scotland."

Now I've heard it all. To be fair, I've never had the slightest doubt that George is perfectly capable of forming a connection with aliens. But can he do it deliberately?

How can I put this...*cough*...I agree with George Foulkes

I still haven't got round to actually sending in my submission to the Scottish government's referendum consultation, which is a great pity, because it's now going to look like I'm some kind of George Foulkes groupie. He's tabling an amendment to the Scotland Bill that is pretty much identical to one of the suggestions I made about a possible format for a two-question referendum that could deal with the (bogus) objections that have been raised about the idea -

"He said if people in Scotland voted for independence, there would be no need for another referendum.

But if the idea was rejected, then a second vote could be held about a month later to decide what extra devolution powers the country should have."

So George Foulkes talks sense for once. But the million dollar question - is he doing it deliberately?

George Foulkes, look away now...

Interesting to see that Yahoo 'Moneywise' has done a big splash investigating whether residents of Scotland or England get the best deal in a range of policy areas. Scotland comes out on top on three out of four counts - university fees, healthcare costs and transport costs. State benefits are declared a 'draw' - unsurprising, given that they aren't devolved!

Now, you all know the punchline here. The fact that the Scottish government is providing the public with a better financial deal is perfectly fine - but the problem is they're doing it deliberately...

Questions to which the answer is 'look into my eyes, look into my eyes, don't look around the eyes, the eyes, the eyes, you're under...when you wake up you will under NO CIRCUMSTANCES remember you have just asked me a question'

A quick follow-up to the UNANSWERED question I asked of our Labour Hame friends the other day -

You recently claimed that Alex Salmond had no need to call a referendum in order to secure new powers for the Scottish Parliament, citing the Calman process as a precedent. Why, then, is Labour peer (and Labour Hame contributor) George Foulkes tabling an amendment to the Scotland Bill that insists the Calman proposals can only come into effect after an affirmative vote in a referendum?

In your own time, guys...

Foulkes : the answers

The wait is over - here are the nineteen words, names and phrases you were looking for in Wednesday's long-overdue George Foulkes word-search puzzle...

Baron : That's what George is.

Cumnock : That's where George is Baron of.

Lothians : The region George used to represent in the Scottish Parliament.

Belize : According to Wikipedia, George is chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for this hot Caribbean country.

The Dominican Republic : According to Wikipedia, George is chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for this hot Caribbean country.

Trinidad and Tobago : According to Wikipedia, George is vice-chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for this hot Caribbean country. Please don't be cynical - George simply takes a keen interest in Caribbean affairs.

Cybernats : For George, it's a love thing.

Oswestry : The town in Shropshire where George was born. No wonder Richard Briers and Penelope Wilton moved there in the final episode of Ever Decreasing Circles.

Iain Macwhirter : In what I can only assume was the worst case of vote-rigging since Glenrothes, Macwhirter "defeated" George to become Rector of Edinburgh University in 2009.

ID Cards : George is a fan. He has nothing to hide, and therefore nothing to fear. Can you say the same?

Disorderly : George resigned as Shadow Defence Minister in 1993 following a conviction for being drunk and disorderly. Quite clearly a fit-up.

Xenophobic : George famously called Alex Salmond xenophobic on an edition of Question Time. This controversial outburst appeared spontaneous at the time, but of course a master tactician leaves nothing to chance. It was revealed in Michael Portillo's recent documentary that this key moment in the Foulkes Story was meticulously pre-planned, and rehearsed the night before in the bath.

Hearts : George was the chairman of this football club.

Vladimir Romanov : The reason George is no longer the chairman of the aforementioned football club.

Clare Short : George's boss at the Department of International Development. They got on like a house on fire until George realised she had some weird problem with Tony Blair's illegal wars.

Senior Labour MSP : This is George's official name. "George" is a nickname that stuck, but the Scotsman and the Herald generally favoured formalities.

But is it wise? : At a 1990s meeting of the Scottish Grand Committee, George assured us that if Scotland became independent, he'd do his best to make it work. He then paused, and asked in hushed tones "but is it wise?". The subsequent hysterical laughter from the SNP benches remains a source of bafflement to this day.

Arrogant little : In the early 90s, George stood up in the Commons and referred to Tory cabinet minister Douglas Hogg as "that arrogant little s**t". The Speaker Bernard Weatherill immediately demanded that he withdraw "that word", to which George replied "which word - arrogant, little or...?". "Don't say it again!" screamed Weatherill at the top of his voice, in an apparent attempt to re-enact the stoning scene in Life of Brian.

Deliberately : As we know, George simply says it as it is. And in one celebrated BBC interview, he spoke a truth that most would have shirked from - that there is nothing wrong with the SNP government making Scotland's public services better than England's, but the problem is that they are doing it deliberately...

So there we are. My heartiest congratulations to anyone who found all nineteen. You are indeed a Foulkesian worthy of the name.

Word-Search Wednesday : a George Foulkes spectacular

I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to despair of the Labour blogosphere. Just how long are we supposed to wait for a word-search puzzle that celebrates the life and work of George Foulkes? Aren't we entitled to expect that Kezia, of all people, would have got round to it by now? Frankly, my patience is at an end, and I've decided to go ahead and do the deed myself. Sue me.

(Click to enlarge)

OK, you're looking for nineteen words, names or short phrases associated with His Eminence - the Wikipedia biography will be able to help you with most (but not all) of them.  The answers will be revealed on Friday.  Incidentally, any thoughts on the idea of having a regular 'Word-Search Wednesday' slot?  Be warned - I may interpret silence as enthusiastic assent!

Cybernit to Lard Jorge - we lake U reely

Speaking as a one-time 'belligerent' on the Scotsman and Herald boards (how else could I have become quite so versed in the ways of a certain Alpha Male?) I must say I'm nothing but delighted when Lord George Foulkes goes into so much detail about his dislike of the 'Cybernats' - it leaves you in no doubt that he must waste a fair bit of his precious time reading contributions from the likes of me. Always nice to know one's labours have not been in vain! But especially interesting to see today that one of his biggest bugbears appears (weirdly) to be the fact that the aforementioned Cybernats don't always use the correct grammar or spelling.

But, come on George, you and I both know the pivotal question here. Are they doing it deliberately?