America's leading Hitler impersonator Donald Trump reckons that Scotland should stop criticising him for Islamophobia, and should instead get on with being grateful to him for all he's done for us. And, you know, he's got a point. Here are the top ten ways in which he improved our country...
1. "Stabilised the doons." (Translation : Destroyed one of Scotland's last great wildernesses - the most extensive and scientifically important area of shifting sands in the UK.)
2. Made the destruction worthwhile by delivering only a tiny fraction of the 6000 jobs he promised.
3. Made the destruction even more worthwhile by delivering, as promised, the "greatest golf course in the world". (Actually, the most authoritative list rates it as only the 65th best golf course in the world, but what's 64 places between friends?)
4. Entertained the nation with repeated spectacular failures to prevent an offshore wind farm "spoiling the view" from the 65th greatest golf course in the world.
5. Gave us such an easy answer whenever anyone says that SNP supporters are just automatons who mindlessly agree with everything the leadership does. "Well, we didn't agree with them letting Trump stabilise the doons."
6. Helped Martin Ford see the light about the Liberal Democrats.
7. Allowed us to spend so much quality time with the delightful George Sorial, and thereby made us realise that Alastair Campbell is not (quite) the most odious spin doctor of all-time.
8. Changed the name of Turnberry golf course, which has hosted four Open championships since 1977, to "Trump Turnberry". Perhaps people will start taking it seriously now.
9. Gave us a timely reminder of our recent political history, ie. that Jack McConnell was First Minister for five-and-a-half years. (How did we forget that?)
10. Transformed Katie Hopkins overnight into a respected columnist.