Thursday, December 29, 2016

If you want independence, you must be more like me

If you really want indy
You must be more like me
You must stop mentioning JK Rowling
And quit protesting outside the BBC
Stop claiming abuse from unionists is a thing
But repent always for Cybernattery
Stay well away from Ardrossan
And throw that homing device into the sea
In fact just forget all about Brian Spanner
And invite Adam Tomkins to tea
Never utter the word "Yoon"
It renders you a zoomer, you see
You must ignore the existence of Stuart Campbell
(He hurt the feelings of my fave minoritee)
Don't put a full stop in front of a tweet
Instead give pounds to a billionaire's charidee
Look away from the front page of The National
Or normal people will say you need psychiatry
For the love of God vote Green or RISE on the list
Now naturally I don't expect you to actually do any of these things
My realism is a sign of my immense maturity
But just you remember, when we don't get indy
It'll be because you weren't enough like me!

(With many thanks to David Officer, James Mackenzie, Scott Reid, Gerry Braiden, Professor James Chalmers, Leo Mikłasz, Mike Small and James McEnaney for inspiring this, er...poem.)


  1. GWC I need you to help me out as my world just turned upside down!

    1. Glasgow Working Class 2December 29, 2016 at 8:14 PM

      Try sucking a fishermans friend. It clears the heid!

    2. #snivellingyoon #impotentrage

  2. It really is boring when you post in rhyme
    Too many are doing it all the time
    I know this persona is just a phantasm
    Redolent of satire and dripping sarcasm
    But please hold your penchant for rhyming in check
    Or, to put it another way, gonnae gie's a break.

  3. Differences of opinion aside, I thought you might know right from wrong. That's just plain rude james, but i guess it makes it easier to manage your page if you reduce it to a few like minded SNP x2ers and a couple of trolls.

    1. Hmmm. It's difficult to know where to start with comments as mind-blowingly silly as yours, Mr/Ms Bravely Anonymous Person. You think this blogpost is morally wrong? Incredibly, it appears that you do. I think you may have to work a bit harder at justifying that ludicrous implication. Clearly I got under your skin with a reminder of the 'tactical voting' scam, but I'm not entirely convinced that qualifies as pure evil.

      As for being 'rude', let me gently point something out to you. Calling someone an 'arse' is pretty rude. Calling someone an 'idiot' is pretty rude. Calling someone a 'Cybernat tube' is pretty rude. It seems extremely mild in comparison to use a light-hearted poem to poke a little fun at people who behave in that way. But if you beg to differ, by all means explain why.

  4. Thank you James...

    Trust you had a good Xmas...

    Have a Happy New Year...

  5. I kinda think people need to lighten up a bit: this is just a silly poem expressing how James feels in the Christmas season. Also, if the original post is in rhyme, surely the comments should be too... With that in mind, here's my response:

    If you really want Indy
    Be more like me,
    Sneer at all products,
    Of the BBC,
    Don't question the government,
    Until we're all free,
    And never vote anything,
    But SNP.

    If you're really a yeser,
    Then watch what I do,
    Shout "Sturgeon's right"
    Till your face is blue,
    Shout down any tweeter,
    Who's not in the crew,
    Parrot the line:
    Don't check if it's true.

    If you really want Indy,
    Then follow this story,
    Don't bother attacking,
    Either Labour or Tory,
    That's so out of date:
    So cliched, so hoary,
    A fight is much easier,
    When it's civil war-y.

    If you want independence,
    Then I'll tell you what matters:
    Crush those pesky Greens,
    Till they lie in tatters,
    Obsess about RISE
    To the point that it flatters,
    Squash those RIC folk:
    They're all mad as hatters.

    If you really want Indy,
    Be more like me:
    Write verses about yesers,
    Who Yes differently,
    Shout down dissenters,
    From the SNP,
    And don't dare to Google
    The word "irony".

    (I posted a version of this earlier without saving, but it doesn't seem to have appeared. Perhaps there's moderation (fair enough), but it's possible it's been swallowed by my train wifi... if it is a moderator, feel free to delete this version!)

    1. Hi Adam, I didn't delete it. It must have been either the train wifi, or the spam-trap getting over-excited.

  6. Oh, I certainly didn't think you'd deleted it - Imm sure it was crappy train wifi. Just added that in case two slightly different versions subsequently appeared :)

  7. Gerry Braiden is merely a stenographer NOT a journalist. FFS! Unmasking with solid proof exactly who the chocolate Spanner is would be the Scottish media scoop of the last 5 years. Yet Braiden thinks it is ridiculous to speculate about who he is.

    Whatever, I 'know' who Spanner is. He is the stupid sweary fat little c..t who was once a 'reporter', aka raker of dustbins, for the defunct Whores' Gazette, who now 'writes' for the Scotsman on Sunday: a huge step down in my opinion.

  8. Boo Hoo - all the big boys shouted at me and now I'm going to scream and scream and scream and write a poem about it.

    1. You're definitely a wee boy with a comment like that.

  9. I wonder if the author understands irony.

    1. It seems clear enough that very few of the author's critics do.

  10. I read this poem and it's clear to see that everyone really should be like me. I make the rules now don't you agree that you're so much better if you listen to me.

    Obey me now or I'll just cry and refuse to tell you the reason why. Now don't go off in a huff and a sigh or you'll soon find out that reason why.

    'Twas on the good ship Venus ... errr, oh.