1. Thou shalt give daily thanks to the United States of America, the greatest force for good in the modern world.
2. Thou shalt give daily thanks to the State of Israel, which sitteth at the right hand of the United States of America, and is the second-greatest force for good in the modern world.
3. Thou shalt referreth to the Israeli invasion and annexation of Palestinian East Jerusalem as "the liberation".
4. Thou shalt calleth the West Bank by its true name of "Judea and Samaria".
5. Thou shalt commit extra-judicial killings. (Note : This commandment only applieth if thou art a member of the American, British or Israeli security forces.)
6. Thou shalt torture. And thou shalt make damn sureth thou calleth it "enhanced interrogation techniques".
7. Thou shalt speaketh of the achievements of the Lord thy Blair with songful joy in thy heart.
8. Thou shalt honour the memory of thy Blessed Mother, the Lady of Finchley, for restoring thy love of freedom.
9. Thou shalt unreservedly idolise any billionaire children's author in thy midst, even if she does imply thou art a Nazi.
10. Thou shalt vote Liz Kendall.
11. Thou shalt titter at my hysterical anti-Palestinian one-liners, on pain of being mocked by all right-thinking men for lacking intelligence and a sense of irony.
12. Thou shalt perceiveth no contradiction in my claims to be both a traditional Labour man and a centre-right commentator.
13. As thou profess my Gospel, thou shalt say to unbelievers : "We are right. You are wrong."
14. This last one's for you, Tatchell : A lifetime of campaigning for human rights and equality is no excuse for supporting a Palestinian state, m'laddio.