Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Jackanory Jim's reaction when someone points out that it's going to be December soon

Hi, I'm Sarah Smith, and THIS is Murphy 2014.  Joining me tonight is Scottish Labour leader Jim...sorry, leadership candidate Jim Murphy.  Mr Murphy, you're very welcome to Murphy 2014.

Thanks for having me, Sarah, and hello to all the boys and girls at home.  I'm a big fan of the show, by the way, it's one of the very best Murphy programmes on the box.

You're too kind.  Let's cut to the chase, Mr Murphy - is there any truth in the suggestion that you've only agreed that it will be December next week because someone gave you a calendar and pointed out it was going to happen anyway?

Look, this is new politics, Sarah.  In May 2007, the voters tapped us on the shoulder and said "it's not November anymore, guys".  And we didn't listen.  In May 2011, the voters obliterated our innards with a radioactive dirty bomb - something I thoroughly approve of, by the way - and screamed "IT'S NOT BLOODY NOVEMBER ANYMORE!!!!"  And we just carried on regardless.  That's got to change.  Isn't that right, boys and girls?

But isn't it true that you were vociferously opposed to December only last week?

Last week is old politics, Sarah.  Consistency is old politics.  Sticking to your principles and being held to account for them is old politics.  Let's leave all that stuff to the SNP.  I stand for new politics.  The Labour party always stands for change.  It never stands for the status quo.

I gather that you're not just in favour of December now, but that you actually want to use December to bring about social justice.  Is this a sign that Stephen Daisley was onto something yesterday when he said that Blairism is just a cunning plan to introduce Marxism by stealth?

Well, I think this is something the boys and girls at home can understand.  What we need to do is take all the pocket-money that the boys and girls can afford, put it in a big pot, and then work out what would be a fair amount for every boy and girl to have.  Then we need to forget about all that and spend all the money on thermonuclear weapons instead.  That seems fair to me, and more importantly it's what the Labour party is all about.  As my good friend Tom Harris always says, we're not a f****** charity.

And what about Stephen Daisley's other suggestion - that when your opponents in the SNP say how irritating you are, and that they despise everything you stand for, what they actually mean is that they 'fear' you?

Look, Sarah, there are ninety-seven outstanding candidates for the Rose of Tralee, and I'm only one of them.  I hope I'm not being immodest by saying I'm one of those outstanding candidates!  That's for others to judge, but whoever wins is going to be too sexy for their shirt, so sexy it hurts, and the SNP are right to be scared.

Jim Murphy, thank you very much. 


  1. This is even funnier.

  2. Wow did he actually say that

  3. Wonderful! Having just been reading up on the Smith Commission recommendations I needed a smile after that. Roll on the elections is all I can say at the moment.