Friday, April 25, 2014

Who Wants to Be a Laughing-Stock?

Well, CBI, this is where it gets very exciting.  You're just one question away from being able to spend up to £150,000 campaigning against Scottish self-government, and you still have two of your lifelines intact.  We're talking about seriously life-changing money here.  Don't turn around, but I can tell you that David and George are looking very happy about the situation.

No wonder, they've probably spent the money already!

Now remember you do not have to play this question.  But take a look at it, and tell me what you want to do.

OK, Chris.

Here's the question : "Are you going to register with the Electoral Commission as a supporter of the anti-independence campaign?"  And the four possible answers - a) Yes, b) No, c) Yes and d) No.

Ooooh, this is such a tough one, Chris.

Tell me what you're thinking.

Well, it could be a), because we are of course violently opposed to Scottish self-government.  But then again, it could be b), because we're pretending that being opposed to self-government is perfectly compatible with a non-political stance.

So, you've narrowed it down to two, then?

Well, no, I'm drawn to c) as well, because there could be COMPLIANCE ISSUES.  And then there's d) - I mean, complying with the law is all very well, but would we want to inadvertently leave people with the accurate impression that we're some kind of anti-independence campaigning organisation?  I just don't know, Chris.

Remember you do have two lifelines at your disposal.

Seems such a shame to use them, though.

That's what they're there for.  Think about it carefully.  We don't want you to go home without any money to use to stop the Scots choosing their own government.

OK, I'll go 50/50.

Right, computer, take away two random wrong answers, and leave CBI with just the right answer and one remaining wrong answer, please.

Oh, no.

Hasn't helped?

Not at all, I'm afraid.  Yes and No are both still there.

Those are always the worst ones.  But remember you can still ask the audience.

Yes, I think I'll have to.

OK, audience, let's see if we can help CBI here to sock it to the whingeing Jocks.  All on your keypads please - vote now.


Yes, that's pretty decisive.  100% of the audience think that you shouldn't register as an anti-independence organisation, and absolutely nobody thinks that you should.  Has that helped you make up your mind?

It certainly has.  In the finest traditions of the CBI, we'll naturally be ignoring the pig-ignorant opinions of peasants, and registering with the Electoral Commission immediately.

Is that your final answer?

Yes, Chris, that's my final answer.

So the answer has changed to yellow, there's nothing you can do about it now, and you might be interested to know that half your membership has just resigned.

No, actually, that wasn't my final answer.

What?  I'm sorry, CBI, it's too late, I've already accepted "yes, we're registering with the Electoral Commission" as your final answer.

Don't be silly, Chris.  I think you'll find that the paperwork was filled in by a total amateur.  You just can't get the staff these days.


  1. And they keep saying the BT Darling is a 'safe pair of hands' :-)

  2. And this is the management organisation...


  3. James,
    Thanks for a great laugh, I've been 'lurking' for a while now,but just want to say I always enjoy reading your blog.......

  4. CBI

    a) Dysfunctional

    b) Dishonest

    c) Dishonest and Dysfunctional

    Tick tock.

  5. This is a Great Blog keep up the good work.

  6. O/T but ICM have carried out an online poll on independence GB wide. The Scottish sample was tiny (166 respondents), but the results were Yes: 39% No: 43% so quite in line with their recent Scottish only poll.

  7. I see there has been some serious down weighting of the SNP/Plaid voters in the 2 Yougov polls today in The Sun on Sunday and Sunday Times. 73 down to 31 and 62 down to 33.