Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Poor old Judy Finnigan, begin ag'in

I never thought I'd get to the point with this blog where I'd actually sit down to 'fisk' a hostile article from TV's Richard and Judy (formerly of This Morning fame, now of I'm-not-quite-sure-what fame), but the outer circle of the anti-independence campaign throws up ever more bizarre surprises by the day. Is it because we is Jocks, Richard?

"Do you know couples whose marriage could never be described as being anywhere close to perfect, but who stay together for security, company and the sake of their children? Yup. Me too."

Oi, oi, wait for the bloody answer before 'agreeing' with me! No, Richard (for I believe it is you), I have to say I don't know anyone like that - although admittedly there was one troubled couple I can remember who probably would have stayed together, until the husband formed an irrational suspicion that he'd just caught a nasty head-cold from his partner's gerbil. That really was the final straw.

Now, then. Staying together for "company"? Assuming that isn't a euphemism for sex (and God knows how that would work), is the suggestion here that we'll regret becoming independent because there'll be no-one to have fireside chats with on a long winter's evening? Just how extreme is London's immigration policy going to be? And who exactly are "the children" in this marriage? Pitcairn and the British Antarctic Territory? I have every confidence that the penguins will get by just fine, Richard - just so long as they know that Mummy and Daddy still love them very much.

"Then there are the couples who go all the way to the wire, eyeball to eyeball until the morning of the day the judge is ready to declare they are legally sundered, entitled to go their own ways, open to new relationships, adventures and possibilities.

And then they blink and plead to be allowed to give things another go."

Is it just me, or do you get the distinct impression that Richard is either a) watching too many episodes of Home and Away these days, or b) fantasising about a chastened Alex Salmond coming to his senses and declaring that this whole referendum malarkey was just an awful, ghastly mistake? Good luck with that one, old chap...

"Does any of this remind you of another couple, still hitched today after a partnership going back years, with the ties that bind and the sentiment that seals still largely intact? Scotland and England: variously happily and unhappily married for 306 years."

Jesus. Were we really supposed to still be in a state of suspense about the destination of this tortuous analogy? OK, honestly, Richard, we get it. Can we crack on a bit now?

"Now a potential divorce date has arisen on the horizon but there is no wise judge to ponder the matter. The power to make the decision either way will be entirely one-sided. It is for Scotland to choose between continuing with the union or ending it with England meekly awaiting the outcome.

Hmm. This is rather trying to many south of the border."

Hmm indeed. Richard, do you actually understand the difference between a marriage and a hostage situation? Just checking.

"Meanwhile Alex Salmond's rosy and wonderfully vague promises this week to lead a separated Scotland to the broad sunlit uplands of better pensions, childcare and a nuclear-free nirvana of independence and liberation didn't half sound good on the face of it."

Wonderfully vague? 670 pages of vagueness? Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure how much more 'vagueness' the printers could have stood. Is there a bookshelf in the known universe that wouldn't have collapsed under the strain of any more 'vagueness'?

By the way, Richard, I believe there are quite a few nuclear-free countries out there, some not too far away. Honestly. They aren't all in Narnia.

"What will happen to the BBC? Britain as we know it will have ceased to exist. Will the BBC become the EWNIBC: English, Welsh and Northern Ireland Broadcasting Corporation?"

Calm yourself, Richard, calm yourself. I haven't seen you in such a state since that disastrous interview with Bill Clinton. I strongly suspect it'll still be called the BBC, in much the same way that Blake's 7 was still called Blake's 7 after Blake left and there was no longer seven of them. People tend to favour continuity of brand names over purist pedantry. But on Planet Madeley, Blake's alter ego Gareth Thomas would probably have been locked in a TV studio for two years with no means of escape, just to be on the safe side.

For pity's sake, people, don't let these crazy separatists put the conciseness of the BBC's name at risk. THEY JUST CAN'T GUARANTEE THERE WON'T BE TOO MANY LETTERS!

"What about the licence fee? It seems people living north of the border would stop paying it."

Well, we probably wouldn't pay the licence fee for another country's broadcasting service. But we might just pay a licence fee for our own country's broadcasting service. Crazy idea, but it might just work.

"Would our diplomatic service stop representing Scotland?"


"They'd have to, wouldn't they?"

Yes, Richard, they would, yes.

"What would Mr Salmond do then? Set up his own embassies around the world?"

You know what, I think he probably would, yes.

"Who'd pay? Not us."

You're getting it, my man.

"It goes on and on and on."

You certainly do.

"On a scale of one to 100, think of the messiest divorce you've ever heard of.

Square it.

Then times it by 10. And you know what? If it comes to it, it'll be even worse than that."

On a scale of one to 1000, think of the least self-aware man you've ever met.

Now multiply that number by a googol (that's 1 followed by one hundred zeroes).

Now imagine your new number has been married to luckless Judy Finnigan since 1986.

And guess what? You're still not even close to how lacking in self-awareness Richard Madeley is. He thinks he's a political analyst, you know.


  1. Ah, the Richard.

    He's like a less cerebral Daily Mail made flesh

    He also seems to have forgotten that he is once divorced, and appears to be pretty happy about it...



  2. "He's like a less cerebral Daily Mail made flesh"

    Indeed. He sounds very like the racists on the Stromfront'lite' site politicalbetting and just as out of touch.

  3. This is the kind of post that absolutely no one does like you do.

    Sheer joy to read and I’m trying hard not to laugh out loud (seeing as I’m actually supposed to be doing something (else) at the moment.

    I suppose in a democracy, everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. And I guess that that includes people as ill informed, biased and self important as Madeley.

    I’ve only ever seen him once, when he interviewed Petula Clark on his daytime tv show. She had released an album and had come on the show, I suppose, to promote it.

    The interview started with him saying that she had been famous for a very long time, and asking her if she minded that the press followed her around, took photographs, and intruded on her private life.

    She replied that it was part of the deal, and with it came many advantages, so she lived with it, but that in Geneva, where she lied, there were so many famous people that no one really bothered any of them.

    He then started a story about how journalists stalked him, getting up to the most bizarre tricks to take photographs of him: hiding in bins and behind trees.

    He went on and on and on and on… Him… him… him.

    The interview had presumably been given about 10 minutes in the schedule, and after at least 7 minutes of this moron showing off how important he was and how many people trailed after him spying on his every move, Petula interrupted him and started talking about the album.

    He only had time to make passing reference to it and the interview was over.

    Petula had hardly said a word and he had given us all chapter and verse on the trials of being superstar Madeley!

    Like anyone gave a damn.

    I think it’s the only time I’ve seen Petula look annoyed on tv.

    The man seems completely deluded, particularly given the fact that he is, as Matt pointed out, divorced himself.

    I do hope he’s vain enough to Google his name and check up on his press, because I’d love him to read your demolition job.

  4. Hilarious. Thank you for this catharsis. I've been needing it since I watched that Wright Stuff fckn nightmare. Ed.

  5. "People tend to favour continuity of brand names over purist pedantry"

    What the hell does that mean? have you been talking to Tris?

  6. Didn't they have a Richard and Judy Book Club featured in their boring TV programme? The White Paper should be the No 1 read in their list. :)

  7. I've just watched it, ta to Bella, and I found that quite depressing.

    I know it is supposed to be the light programme made new in the modern world but....

    Frankly, I don't give a damn what they think.

    It is down to us to extricate ourselves from them, not the other way around.

    It is people like them, the whole panel - although like most people I haven't a clue what Ronnie Ancona is on about most of the time, and I suspect, neither does she - were completely ill-informed.

    It was a bit like watching a meeting of the Flat Earth Society in 1571. Maybe the Earth is as flat as they say. But an oblate spheroid is coming to a classroom near you, soon.

  8. Pinch and Judy! He's got a nerve complaining about anything.