The UK government's love for the Scottish people is unconditional love, it's unshakeable love, it's like...oooh, I dunno, Cathy's love for Heathcliff, or something

Danny Alexander on the prospect of extra powers for Holyrood being added to the Scotland Bill -

"We're going to take these decisions on the basis of what we regard to be in the best interests of Scotland and the best interests of the people of Scotland, not what's in the best interests of the SNP."

Oh yes, of course. The Whitehall machine is legendary for reaching every decision exclusively in the best interests of the people of Scotland, rather than for, say, writing panicky memos in the 1970s about how the Scots have got "us" over a barrel, and then trying to devise cunning strategies (which mainly consisted of lying rather a lot) to prevent "them" running off with their oil and improving the life chances of "their" people with it.

Yup, it may be a frightening, changeable world out there, but one thing will always remain reassuringly constant - the UK government only wants what's best for us.