You may not remember me, but I'm Felicity, your fifth cousin (twice removed) from Wisborough Green. That's right, we met about sixteen years ago when your side of the family got locked out of Jeremy's wedding reception, and your uncle screamed abuse at us through the door for the next two hours. Hope there's no hard feelings, old girl, it was a rum affair anyway, and who wants to listen to Atmosphere by Russ Abbot on a constant loop just to drown out the ramblings of a foul-mouthed Glaswegian?
Now you're probably wondering why I'm contacting you again after all this time. Well, it's quite simple. I want to tell you just how much I love, value and appreciate the contribution that you and all those other great Scottish people make to our United Kingdom. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I'm telling you this now. Maybe it's got something with this "independence" nonsense I've been hearing about recently? OK, we both know it's not going to come to anything, but it just set me thinking about how diminished I'd feel without you guys. No more blue in the flag. No more skirl of the pipes to welcome visitors to Britain. No more of those non-Conservative Scottish MPs at Westmin...OK, some evils must be endured for the greater good.
So that's pretty much what I wanted to say. I know you're sensible enough to vote against this "independence" malarkey anyway, but if by any chance you ever find yourself feeling slightly neglected up there, you just write to your cousin Felicity and she'll give you a damn good talking to about just how much we need you.
Yours in memory of the Raj,
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I think you might be getting me confused with someone else. I was definitely at Jeremy's wedding reception, although I do remember you pouring tequila down my dress when I said I was going to open the door and let our Mancunian cousins in. But never mind about that. I can't deny I was really excited to hear about how much you value our place in the United Kingdom, and I was wondering if you could clarify the following points for me -
1) Do you value us enough to house Trident somewhere near Wisborough Green if we ask for it to be removed from Scotland?
2) Do you value us enough to let us make our own decisions on welfare policy?
3) Do you value us enough to give us an opt out from London's illegal wars in future?
4) Do you value us enough to give us access to our own natural resources?
When I read your letter, I could sense the selfless love dripping from every word, so I feel sure that you will be able to answer all four of these questions in the affirmative. I must admit I had been thinking of voting Yes to independence, but if you can confirm that you value us enough to make these sacrifices, you may just have a convert on your hands.
I eagerly await your response.
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Did I mention how much I love kilts?