I know there has been a degree of disquiet about Labour's campaign leaflet in the Dunfermline by-election, in which the party uses logical gymnastics and creative ambiguity to brazenly claim credit for a wide variety of SNP achievements. But you ain't seen nothing yet - I've just been sent the text of the next one.
HUMAN PROGRESS MAY STOP IF YOU DON'T VOTE LABOUR.
Labour were first to the moon.
In 1969, Scottish Labour really, really wanted the Apollo 11 mission to succeed. We were wishing very, very hard for everything to go according to plan, and frankly we're not sure the Americans could have done it without our moral support. Scottish Labour - first to the moon in our hearts, and fully supportive of the chaps who first got to the moon in their bodies.
Labour were first to run the four-minute mile.
When Roger Bannister ran the first four-minute mile in 1954, we in Scottish Labour were so thrilled that we immediately sent him a membership application form. He didn't actually reply, but we were so supportive of his achievement that we decided that we could waive the application process in his case, and in the end we even backdated his entry to the party. Do you know what that means? Yup, the four-minute mile barrier was broken by a Scottish Labour member.
Labour facilitated the first expedition to the South Pole.
When Amundsen's expedition reached the South Pole in 1911, Scottish Labour felt entirely vindicated in having earlier made a decision not to do anything to stand in his way. We can confirm that we didn't even sabotage his equipment, or put poison in his food.
Labour didn't object to the first jump from the edge of space.
When Felix Baumgartner stunned the world with a freefall jump from the edge of space that broke the sound barrier, Scottish Labour had no particular objections. It honestly didn't bother us at all. Why would it, for pity's sake?
If you vote Labour on Thursday, you can rest assured that we will continue in our proud tradition of bringing about the most astonishing feats of human endurance and exploration - either by inwardly cheering for them, not actively standing in the way of them, retroactively signing up the people who achieve them, or in some cases by not breaking anyone's legs. We're entirely flexible about the methods, but uniformly proud of the results.