The Usual Suspects : So, Mr. G, what did you do when you saw these abusive tweets?
Mr. G : Well, I scoured the internet for any clues as to the real identities of the people that wrote them.
The Usual Suspects : Oooh, that's a bit weird.
Mr. G : Why?
The Usual Suspects : Because nobody CARES who these totally random, uninteresting individuals are! No normal person would waste perfectly good brainwaves even thinking about them, let alone expend any energy trying to discover any information about them. OK, so what did you do then?
Mr. G : Well, after I found out where they lived...
The Usual Suspects : What, seriously? You found out where they lived? Oooh, that's creepy. And then what?
Mr. G : I went round to their houses to confront them.
The Usual Suspects : ARE YOU BLOODY JOKING? That's sinister.
Mr. G : But why?
The Usual Suspects : Because...look, we were all in total agreement yesterday that the Scot Goes Pop reader who took an hour out of her day to go to Ardrossan beach was a complete nutter, but what you've done is far, far worse. We're so creeped out right now, we can't even begin to tell you. Can we at least assume that it ended there?
Mr. G : Well, no, obviously I published the conversations I had with them.
The Usual Suspects : You did WHAT?
Mr. G : And also I published their real names, and lots of juicy personal details about them and their families.
The Usual Suspects : FAMILIES?
Mr. G : Oh, and I sent around a photographer to take unflattering pictures of them when they weren't looking.
The Usual Suspects : Wha...? Are you mentally ill? You need help, Mr. G. Have you anything at all to say in your defence?
Mr. G : Yes, as a matter of fact I do. My name's Graham Grant, I work for the Daily Mail, and the seven Twitter users I unmasked were all supporters of Scottish independence.
The Usual Suspects : That puts an entirely different complexion on matters, Mr Grant, sir. Your article was a must-read, and entirely justified in the public interest, no question at all. Our humblest apologies. Would you like a seat in the House of Lords?
* * *
PS. And, yes, I know that some of the Daily Mail's "Cybernat 7" hadn't even written anything abusive. One of them was Melissa Iacone, for pity's sake.