Kezia Dugdale : An Explanation

A guest post by Mike McCreadie

You probably don't know this, but Kezia Dugdale and that Ian fella are actually SNP secret agents. Hear me out for a minute...I dislike conspiracy theories as much as the next person, but I've gone over it many times in my head while sitting in my front room and also on the toilet, often for hours on end, and I've come to the conclusion that it's true - they've been planted there to keep the Labour threat at bay from within - I swear by The Largest Party Winning the Election. They were conditioned from an early age in the ways of the SNP, and now they live out their lives as secret agents, subtly screwing any chance the Labour party has of ever getting back into power in Scotland, and possibly the UK. Fact.

And if that sounds far-fetched then you won't believe the next bit - they're "enhanced" to give them abilities beyond those of normal politicians. No, don't laugh. The enhancement thing was always part of the SNP plan, it's just that they had to do it all with the technology available at the time - a ZX Spectrum 48K that Alex said mangled the tapes, so he donated it for the parts. They cannibalised it and came up with what is known by the SNP Tech Domination Department as "the contradiction buffer". The contradiction buffer allows an agent to say one thing while thinking another while knowing it's all total mince, without melting, then they just purge the buffer later on in the toilets and start afresh. I know, I know - it's obvious now it's been pointed out.

Interesting factoid: Both agents have an "autonomous" setting that lets them operate completely independently (I know! The irony!). In fact the SNP have done such a thorough job on them that neither the Kezia Dugdale agent nor the Ian fella even know that they're a plant. They think they're genuine Labour politicians!

In the beginning they could be activated remotely by some kind of codeword or gesture, but the Kezia Dugdale agent got so into it that she's "always on" now and can't be turned off. Trying to do so could send her into an irreversible schism, the consequences of which are too horrific to contemplate, even for SNP supporters, so they just let her run and work around it.

The Ian fella still seems to be functional but they're not sure if he's within acceptable parameters any more. He kinda switches between normal and saywhatnow a bit too spontaneously. They're worried he might be about to go all "Kezoidal", as they call it in the inner circle (it's an accepted technical term now because it's happened so often). But they're hinting at an eventual meltdown, maybe as early as Christmas.

I know what you're thinking as you read this: The SNP have been jolly clever. But you'd be wrong. What they've done is putting us all in danger. The whole project clearly wasn't thought through properly, which is typical of the SNP. In the event of a catastrophic failure there is no "fail-safe". Eventually the Kezia Dugdale agent will start to fizzle, and then pop her buffer. I don't know how much warning there'll be before she goes off, but I wouldn't want to be standing anywhere nearby when it happens - she could take an eye out or anything. If you have time then turn to the side and cover your face and plums, is my advice. And as for the environmental impact of all this, well, basically the environment can go @$%^ itself, as far as the SNP is concerned, up a windmill.

If anyone needs further proof of this heinous conspiracy then pay attention the next time Nicola's in the same room as the Kezia Dugdale agent. The news commentators like to make out that Kezia has her on the ropes whenever she goes off on one, but that's not the case. In fact, the panicked look on the First Minister's face is because she's frantically looking about for the exits or a human shield, which ever one is closest.

I don't know about the Davidson lass or the Fluffy bloke. I think they might have been left "as is" because they're not a serious threat, but you never know. I do know that the Rennie man is nothing to do with the SNP though. I think he just got lost and wandered in and now no one likes to say anything.

And if you don't believe me then let me put it to you in the way IDS would - prove me wrong. Have Kezia and Ian probed, live on television, so everyone sees the truth, not just what the SNP want you to see. Probe the £$%^ outta them, in 1080p hi-def, with extra angles available on the red button. And then have them irradiated. If they survive then they are clearly enhanced (or it might be the other way round, I'm not sure how it works now that I think about it). Hey, whatever, if I'm wrong then I'll hold my hands up. But, ya know, I might be right. Jeopardy. Ooooh.